Faith

John 13:7 – You don’t understand now what I am doing, but someday you will

Even though I wasn’t aware of this verse until a few years ago when I was gifted a bible from a very dear friend, this has been the motto that I have lived my life by since I was a child.

With 600$ in my bank account, I booked a one way ticket to California on May 7th 2018 leaving everything behind besides my alcoholism, a deck of tarot cards and years of trauma that I am still trying to unpack from my suitcase.

Everyone thought I was crazy when I did it, but I knew this was the only way I was going to save my life. I had to have faith that I was going to make it, because I had no other option. 

Let there be no mistake though, while I had faith, I was completely terrified. The night before I left I was throwing up so much from anxiety that I was just dry heaving at one point. 

It was because knew from this point on I was never going to be able to live a normal life again. But it wasn’t because of the move, it was because I knew exactly what I was going to do with my life.

 I knew that I wasn’t going to only be considered the crazy “eccentric” individual who would pull out tarot cards in class & work, who would give crystals to people and insist that they’d feel better.  

I was going to forever be marked as a delusional, crazy person who just hears voices and does some weird “witchy” occult practices, who flips around a few cards.

I wasn’t prepared for what was to come after though. I knew the general public wouldn’t ever receive me well, but I wasn’t prepared for the continuous backlash I experienced from the metaphysical community. 

I was a gay black man going into a community filled with homophobic nazis and egocentric individuals who felt threatened by my presence because I could easily see through the glass pedestals that they placed themselves on. 

It was arguably, one of the saddest times of my life coming to that realization. To go into a space that I thought would receive me with open arms, but instead I was berated at constantly; and what made things worse was the fact that the very people that I thought would stand by my side, would instead partake in it just the same, or would just side step away from me leaving me to fend for myself. 

But that’s okay though, because I knew my story got better. I knew that eventually, they would understand. Just the same as when the world & my family came to realize that you can be a guy that wears makeup and STILL identify as a man.

And better my story got.

If it wasn’t for being shunned by the very community I tossed my old life away for, I would have never bothered creating my own community. Now, instead of trying to get a community to understand me; I spend my days continuing building.

Don’t get me wrong though, I still am misunderstood greatly. I am sure from an outsider looking in, I just look crazy. But that’s alright, I have faith that eventually what I am building is going to eventually make sense to the world. 

 I have a vision in mind, and while some would probably say I am delusional….I consider myself to be one of the greatest business minds that has ever stepped foot in the very community that rejected me. To the very world that chased me away years ago down a bottle of whiskey or five.

I had to have faith. Because faith was the only thing that I could ever afford.