Smiling

I was given a painting as a kid of myself from a family member where I had white skin, blue eyes & blonde hair. At the time, every single white person in the room found that to be the most touching thing. 

Even I did at the time. I had to of been no more than 12 or 13 at the time.

My childhood environment in Florida was one where before you asked for seconds at dinner, you were told to get up from the table and be weighed.  Honey, the gut wrenching feeling I had when I saw that the scale showed 3 digits instead of 2 for the first time? That I was at 100lbs? Ah…

I listened to how they would joke about the first African American First Lady and how they believed she looked like a gorilla and they all laughing about it.

So admittedly back then, that was what I used to use my 11:11 wishes on. I used to wish that I was the very things that was deemed attractive in the environment that I was in. I used to wish that I was anything but myself. Anything but my over 100lb “monkey” self.

So, I was given that painting to be shown how I would look like if I did get that wish to come true.

For years I have been consistently trying to unpack that baggage, it’s something that has taken constant, daily effort for me. It’s one of those projects that seemingly is never ending. 

But…

Have yall ever had one of those experiences where you just become extremely present with yourself? Where the experience you’re currently having makes you appreciate how far you’ve come along since “x” time?

I had one girl.

I woke up the other day not feeling the greatest; so I wanted to go outside and have a picnic by a river (The river was fabulous honey, but that detail doesn’t really matter) 

I was sitting by the remnants of a random old campfire; trying to take the EXTREMELY extra selfies I usually do…

And something just didn’t feel right. None of the photos were coming out how I liked. I didn’t enjoy the vibe, it didn’t feel natural at all.

 It was just bad honey. I don’t even know why I am showing y’all, but y’all know I am a detailed story teller.

I was sitting there sipping my smoothie girl; trying to brainstorm what felt the most right in the moment. I still had my phone on my tripod next to me and I was staring at myself as I was thinking; and I thought –

“Ooh honey, this lighting kinda makes me look good; that all natural look baby” (I know you read that in my voice 🙂 

And I just started snapping photos. I still started with my usual, trying too hard poses (this is because I didn’t have any makeup on, AND I felt bloated)

And I liked it, it turned out cute. But, what if we give it our usual, passive smile? I kinda enjoy how my skin looks right now…

Okay, okay…honey now we are getting somewhere. I kinda like my dimples. I actually don’t feel self conscious about how my dimples make my face look fatter right now. I kinda want to see both of them more a bit more…

And then it hit me.

This was the first time I was liking myself in my most natural state. I hadn’t starved myself for three days prior to feel thin enough for a photo. No snapchat filter to clear my skin; and for the first time ever, I genuinely wanted to see myself smiling.

And that made me really happy.